Hospital
by Double
Summary: [One-shot] It never is easy to lose someone precious to you, even if it is someone as cold as Sai. First Rin, then Kaede. This talk about her pains and losses, of how Kaede died, and what kept her going even after she lost everything. SaiKaede


This is my first Angelic Layer fic, and it has slight shojo ai, you've been warned. I've always wanted to write something about the process of how Kaede died (in case you don't know, but her death is mentioned in Chobits). I'm no doctor, so pardon me if there's any wrong in the symptoms of the illness.

Reviews will be greatly appreciated.

**………………………………………………………..**

**_Hospital _**

**………………………………………………………..**

Walking on the street with no destination whatsoever, I suddenly see a spot of red looming towards me, against the black and greys of the surrounding buildings. It is the Red Cross mounted on the center of the hospital building. I smile bitterly to myself. I have never been fond of hospitals; you could eve say that I hate it.

Ever since I was young, I had been there frequently to visit Rin, my sister. Her health had never been on the good side the moment she was born.

I still remember, though just vaguely, that during one visit there, I lost my wallet. I tried in vain to find it, pouring myself rover almost every nook and cranny of that place, but to no avail. Perhaps that was when my distaste for the hospital started.

Yet even so, I continued going there daily to visit Rin, even more so after our parents died, when she became my only kin, my only support. I waited for that period of the day impatiently, the only time when I would feel alive, but I also dreaded it at the same time, fearing that one day, when I saw her again, she would become too pale and frail to even move.

It was torture seeing her health deteriorate day by day, but I couldn't turn away. I didn't know how she could still smile so happily, so innocently while bearing those insurmountable torments, just by dreaming, just by having a dream she herself could not even fulfill. But one day, she told me, "Neesan, I dream because I know it will be fulfilled; because I know you will make it come true. I do not live on dreams; I live on the fact the knowing you will be there for me."

So, of course I set out creating Shirahime once she finished the designs for the angel. I rushed from the school to the hospital the very next day, with Shirahime in my bag, only to be informed by the nurses that her condition had declined drastically during the day, and she was now undergoing an operation.

I went to sit outside the operation room, anxious, fearful and numb, with now one beside me who shared my feelings. Then, I realized, without Rin, I would be alone in this world, a trespassing stranger holding no importance to anyone. Without her, I would be nobody. Without her, I would have no dreams to work towards fulfilling. Without her . . .

But she died all the same, that very day, before I could even show her Shirahime, her dream.

And I actually smiled at that, because I promised never to cry.

"Why are you crying?" I met Kaede the very next day, she, wearing her "Heaven's smile". She was, perhaps, the first person who dared approach me since school started, and the first thing she said was a question bordering on ridiculous. I wasn't crying. I never did, and never will.

"But you were looking so sad, and I thought . . ." I expected her to excuse herself then, since I was, by no means, amiable, but she stood her ground, her smile never wavering.

"Ah! Is that an angel?" she said, pointing to Shirahime in my bag. I had forgotten to take it out. Wordlessly, I handed it to her.

"Hmm . . . heave weight, excels in defence. You've made quite a good angel. Her clothing is beautiful, too. Did you design it?"

"No, I didn't my sister designed the whole angel. I just created it according to her wishes. She died yesterday." I never knew why I added the last sentence, or what prompted me to carry on the conversation, but before I could think further, her brilliant smiled shattered, showing genuine sorrow in her features. "I'm really sorry."

"It doesn't matter. Nothing does anymore." The sharp edge in my cold voice was unmistakable, and I took the lifeless figure in her hands and aimed it at the trash bin.

"What are you doing?!" she exclaimed, grabbing hold of my wrist, "This is no way to treat your angel. Besides, your sister's death doesn't mean that everything has ended. Her death certainly doesn't mean that you have to forget her, and of course not that you can't think about her. Things don't just stop mattering all of a sudden. She still lives inside you. You are not alone, even if what's accompanying you is nothing but memories. The setting may have changed, the people may have gone form your life, but the warmth in those memories never fade. It matters, even if all are but memories."

I stared at her, at her smiled that had retuned full force, and wondered how she could smile so beautifully to so ugly a world.

"Come on, let me show you how to make your angel move."

Kaede never left my side ever since that day. We practiced together, battled together, talked about ballet tactics and new techniques, or simply, nothing at all, keeping each other in a silent, comforting company.

The world while in my eyes, changing at a million miles per second, but she always remained constant, as if nothing could ever take that "Heaven's Smile" away from her lips. Her presence became a foothold in my life, a single, steady weight that held all the loose leaflets that made up me together. It was her consistency that banished my loneliness and made me feel wanted.

I would have traded the world to have her stay with me forever, but even the world was not enough.

I still remember, as clear as yesterday, that another year of the national tournaments were beginning, so she stayed over at my place to finish upgrading our angels, as well as analyzing the new moves of Suzuka and Hikaru. I couldn't help noticing that in those days, she often seemed paler, and her appetite had decreased, though she never ate much. I tired reasoning to myself that it was just the pressure of the tournament getting to her, denoting all to tiredness, but after that day, I could lie no more.

It was time to get ready for the night, and I let her use the washroom first. Perhaps I was too engrossed in Shirahime that I only noticed her lack of presence after half an hour. There was absolutely no movement from the other side of the bathroom door. I knocked, which soon turned into banging, and at last, I broke open the door.

And there was Kaede, sprawled over the sink, unconscious, with tablets of medicines spew all over the counter and onto the floor. I remember shouting, though what I have no memory of. All that occurred to me was the deathly whiteness of her face and breathing so slight that it was as if she wasn't breathing altogether.

I cradled her in my arms while shaking her shoulders with moderate strength, afraid to break her even with the slightest exertion. Finally, her eyelids fluttered open. "Sai-san . . ." she glanced around, dazed, then whispered breathlessly, "give me . . . two white tables . . . and three green pills . . ." It was then that I noticed there were at least five types of medicines all over the floor.

I gave her what she wanted, and she gulped them down, then smiled at me, the same dazzling "Heaven's Smile", and although I knew that smile wasn't fake, was never fake, I still saw the tiny beads of sweat on her forehead, and felt the strains in her muscles as she leaned almost lifelessly against me. I had always known that she was a strong person, but sometimes I wished wasn't.

"Why didn't you tell me that you are ill, Kaede?" I asked, frowning deeply after I carried her to bed and tucked her in.

"Don't worry, Sai-san. I've only got a flu, and a little lack of sleep."

"What do you mean by a flu?! I don't see anyone taking dozens of medicines for a flu!" I burst out, my usual icy façade crumbling into nothing. She bore my onslaught with closed eyes, of silent acknowledgement, and a painful expression between her brows.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, as I suddenly felt guilty for the pain in her features.

"No, I'm sorry, for making you so worried," she reached out ad held my hand, "but I don't want you to get distracted just before the tournament. I promise, I'll tell you the truth after the competitions are over."

I nodded, thought not completely satisfied, but didn't pry any further, knowing how stubborn she could be sometimes. Now thinking back, I should have gotten to the truth right then, no matter how much she refused. Perhaps then, she would not have . . .

The tournament began as scheduled, and we made though the first few rounds smoothly, but the exhaustion in her eyes was getting stronger. Yet even so, she tried acting normally around me, as if nothing was wrong. I wondered if it was tiring for her to be beside me, always covering, hiding, pretending to be fine, but I never dared to give it too much thought, because I knew I would not be able to get by without her. You could say I was selfish, but being the isolated person I was, her place in my heart stood out even more, because there was hardly anyone in my life besides her.

We were up against each other in the semi-finals. In the resting room before the match, we chatted about how Suzuhara Misaki had improved once again, when suddenly she said, "Sai-san, don't lose to her this time, promise me."

"But she's in the other semi-final match against Kobayahsi Hatoko," I replied, confused, but she just smiled at me.

Just then, the final call rang out for Deuses to go to their respective side.

"Good luck, Sai-san," and she tipped her toes and placed a light kiss on my cheek. I blinked at the unexpected action, but she had already walked away before I could ask. Looking at her receding figure, I suddenly felt as if I would never see her again.

The match began. I was more like a dance than a fight, each of us knowing exactly what move the other would make next. We moved almost in unison, matching up each attack with the appropriate defence. Blanche flew around Shirahime like a butterfly, becoming a white blur while casting golden sparkles, turning the layer into a magical play land.

Glancing up at her, our eyes met, and she smiled, so filled with happiness, while the golden light from Blanche encased her in a holy light. She was an angel. I smiled back.

But ever since the second set started, Blanche's movements became stiff and laboured, and a few times my attacks almost succeeded. I saw one of her hand clutching at her chest, her body hunched over, with her breathing harsh and irregular.

I opened my mouth to stop the match just as Shirahime's last kick made solid contact with the side of Blanche's head, and her angel fell limp onto the layer, all signs of life gone.

"KAEDE!!" I shouted and tore off the visor, leaping to her unconscious form at the opposite side of the stadium.

I held her hand on the ambulance, all the way to the hospital. She looked peaceful as always, as if she was only asleep . . .

Finally, we arrived at the hospital, and I had thought I would never go there again. I sat once more outside the operation room, and the air seemed to be permeated with the odd sense of deja vu, although plenty of people were with me, waiting. I doubt that I had any expression on my face that time, but my heart was hammering erratically, and I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. It was as if all my insides were tied into a knot.

The surgeon came out after an eon. She was in no immediate danger, but had to be hospitalized.

"May I speak with her family, please?" No one spoke up. Her father was out of the country for a business trip. Her other didn't bother to come. Their relationship had totally broken off after the divorce. Her little brother, Minoru, was too young to come alone without his mother. I stood up.

"And you are . . ." He inquired politely with a hint of suspicion.

I gritted my teeth. "I'm her lover. Can you tell me how her conditions are?"

He sighed. "Come with me." After a few turns, we finally arrived at his office, then he browsed through the files on the shelves and took down one that had Kaede's name. I clasped my hands together tightly.

He opened the thick file and glanced at me. "Has she ever told you anything about her illness, Jounouchi-san?"

"No, she never did," then a thought struck me. "This isn't the first time that this happens to her, is it?'

He shook his head sadly. "She was first here at ten, and was diagnosed with leukemia."

Leukemia. Leukemia. Leukemia . . . the word resounded through my mind without making any sense at all. Or maybe I was too numb to think. Leukemia. It is a cancer. She might die. Leukemia. . . . "Then why isn't she cure?!" the words burst from my lips, desperately, as I tried releasing some of my anger, helplessness and fear though them. "Why hasn't she recovered since the cancer ahs been found in her so long ago?! Why didn't she tell me?!"

"Please calm down, Jounouchi-san," the old man raised his voice and said gently, but firmly. "That time, her leukemia was only at the first stage, and we tried suggesting chemotherapy, but she refused. About four years later, in her regular check-up, her condition was found to have worsened, yet she still declined the chemotherapy, insisting that the medicines were enough. Now, I'm afraid . . ."

I tired to be strong, to brace myself for the worse, but I felt as if my whole being was made of paper, ready to be torn.

"Her illness has deteriorated, and is already in the last stage of leukemia. We can still try chemotherapy, thought the chances are slime, unless she can get a marrow transplantation. If not, then her life expectancy is about one to two months . . ."

Those words raced through my mind, back and forth, messing up all my thoughts and feelings as I sat by the hospital bed, staring at her deathly pale face. It was surreal to think that she could be gone, to even imagine a world without her, but as I listened to the clock steadily ticking away, I could almost feel the friction between my fingers as her life, her being, slipped away from my grasp.

And to think only days ago, she was the most consistent element in my life. I buried my head in my ands, knowing not whether to laugh or cry tat this cruel irony.

"Are you all right, Sai-san?" Kaede whispered, but her voice was still as soft and caring as before.

I looked at her, and she smiled, the same dazzling "Heaven's Smile", and my heart almost broke at the sight. How could she still find the courage to smile? I took hold of her hand, and asked with the calmest voice I could manage, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I just want to be treated like a normal person. I don't want people to see me, and label me because I'm ill."

"Then why didn't you receive the chemotherapy?" my voice wavered as I looked into her eyes, so serene that it formed a huge contrast to mine. "If you chose to undergo it, then you might have . . . I know you are not the type who is scared of the side-effects."

"Sai-san, when I first found out I had leukemia, I was scared out of my wits. Nobody is not afraid of dying, and I'm no exception. I stared at the ceiling that whole night, thinking about what I should do for the rest of my life, which didn't' seem to be too long. If I receive the chemotherapy, then I was a great possibility that I would hardly step out of the hospital again. The world is so big out there, and I wanted to be free; I didn't want to be nobody, to spend my whole life in the hospital. I longed to be out in the world, to create a place of my own in the society, to do what I should do, and not wait for a miracle to happen. I wanted to fly; I wanted to shine, even if just for an instant, and my life would be worth it. So I refused to receive chemotherapy."

"Of course, you can also say that I'm a coward, afraid to even battle the cancer in me, and giving up even the last hopes of staying alive. But to me, staying in a cage is not living. It's my life and I want to live it my way, no matter what others say. I know I'm selfish by doing this, and people will be hurt, but I don't want to regret about things I should have done and never did in my life when I'm on the deathbed."

She reached out and brushed away something on my face. Tears, I saw, but never realized when they fell.

"So don't be sad for me, Sai-san. I brought myself here, and I don't regret my decision."

"You are not going to receive treatment this time too, are you?" I asked to confirm. Smiling, she shook her head. "Then what can I do for you?"

" I want to watch the final between you and Misaki-san. Only thought Angelic Layer can I find myself, to be the person I truly am, and my life only sparkles when in the layer, just like how a singer can only find her place on the stage. When I battle, it is as if I'm fighting against my fate, the cancer that is carving me away from inside out, and I will become stronger. I always wished that Sai-san would walk out of the past and start fighting for herself, not for memories, even though I know they are important. But just for this time, please, fight for my sake as well. I want to feel Angelic Layer one last time, through your eyes. I have faith in you, that you will win."

"I will, Kaede, I will."

The final was in another two weeks. During that time, I took leave from the school and spent almost everyday beside Kaede, expect when I had to go home and sleep. She looked nothing like a patient, but when her smiled faded, the fatigue in her eyes showed. We would take strolls in the hospital's tiny garden every afternoon, and sit on the same bench to watch the sunset. As the golden rays dimmed to a bright vermilion that dyed everything in the sky, she would lean against me and rest her head on my shoulder, wordlessly contemplating the similarities between the enchanting, but short-lived scene and her life, until darkness crept in, and I would accompany her back to the chlorine-filled air of the hospital.

The peaceful weeks flew by. On that day, Kaede was finally given permission to watch the match form the audience seats, since normally, people at this stage of their illness were not allowed out of the hospital. By that time, she had become so frail that even spun glass seemed stronger than her. But no matter how weak she was physically, her heart was made of the toughest diamond, which enable her to still smile that "Heaven's Smile" as she bid me good luck.

I thought that I was prepared for anything, but the real shock came when the landscape in the layer was conjured up. It was pitch black, like a black hole that sucks in every bit of light. I couldn't see into it. I couldn't even see Suzuhara, who was on the other side of the layer. How could I fight when I couldn't even see where Shirahime stood, let alone where Hikaru was?

It was an endless abyss, unknowingly reflecting what my life would be after Kaede died.

I focused my mind to see through Shirahime's eyes, to feel through her senses, and found that the layer was as quiet as a tomb, cutting us off from the chaos in the stadium. I lifted her arm, and only heard a light fluttering of clothing. But it was enough. Standing on the spot, I strained my ears to pick up any sound Hikaru would make if she were to move.

Just then, I heard the sound of rushing wind from the center fo the layer. She wasn't trying to find me; she wanted me to go to her. Slowly, I took off the outer layer of Shirahime's kimono, so as to reduce air resistance, then lurked stealthily towards Hikaru. The speed of her actions was so fast that even if there was a weakness in one of her moves, it was covered up before her opponent could notice. But this time it was different; I could observe calmly from the side, and grab the opportunity as soon as it flashed by . . . NOW!!

Once she started turning, her back was open and my kick sent her to the other end of the darkness-enveloped layer.

But with a soft hiss as her body cut through the air, she was back again. Top, side, left, down, right . . . I barely managed to match her attacks by just picking up the sound in her movements, yet she was getting faster and faster, since there was no need for her to observe my defences. As long as she increased her speed, they would break eventually.

Just then, I remembered a saying that if one of your senses was not functioning, then all the others would sharpen up incredibly.

I closed my eyes and stopped trying to see, concentrating all my energy on my hearing. With each sound, an image of Hikaru formed in my mind, of how she moved so as to produce such a noise, and the signals came much stronger than before.

It was no longer pitch black; I could "see" in my mind, not only Hikaru's moves, but also all the memories that I held dear, of Rin, of Kaede, of everything. It wasn't the sounds that brought light into me; it was them, even if they were n o longer beside me. The brightness with which they filled my life would never fade, even if they themselves had already vanished from this world. That alone was enough to keep me going on this journey of life, and remind me that I was also living on their behalf.

Everything came to me as if under broad daylight, each collision of our attack sent sparks flying, each contact making me stronger, leaving everlasting marks on me even long after the sparks had gone out.

Step by step, I backed towards the edge of the layer, luring the unknowing Hikaru along. Carefully estimating the distance I had gone, I stopped once it seemed to be near the border.

Feeling that I wasn't moving anymore, Hikaru added more and more force to her attacks, finally jumping away before lunging back, using momentum to aid her originally weaker strength. I steeled my nerves to keep myself from dodging until I felt the current o fair summoned by her attack hit my face, then I used my fastest speed to step aside, the punch missing me by millimeters. But the momentum she intended to use sent her right past me, pushing her over the edge.

"ANGEL HIKARU FALLS OUT OF THE LAYER!! SHIRAHIME WINS!!" The layer fell back, and the crowd burst into thunderous cheers.

I leaped down from the seat even before it reached the ground and rushed to Kaede, enveloping her in a hug.

"I've won, Kaede, I've won for you." My voice shook with the normally locked emotions and looked once more into her eyes. A thin sheen of sweat covered her forehead, dampening her fringes, showing how nervous she had been. She smiled, though the exhilaration barely covered her fatigue.

"Thank you, Sai-san . . ." Her words faded away, and she fell unconscious onto me.

Nurses rushed over, and minutes later, we were back in the hospital once again. The doctor pronounced that she might die any second. It didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. Perhaps I had just realized that she would never really be gone. People flooded into the ward moments later. Suzuhara, Oujirou, Mihara-san, Minoru-kun, her father . . . Sobs and sniffing filled the room, but I stood by her bed, unmoved. Even if people would think of me as cold and heartless, I didn't care. Why should I show them my pain, my weakness, when they couldn't possibly share and understand my loss? I would rather let all the pain rot inside me.

Finally, she opened her eyes and seemed surprised by the number of people, but smiled warmly all the same. She took turns talking to everyone, she comforting them instead of the other way round. I stood by her all these time until she turned to me last of all.

I didn't say anything, but bent down and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Her eyes shone understandingly. "I've considered lying to this, Sai-san, knowing that it would probably hurt less, but now, I believe that you are strong enough to overcome anything, so I won't lie to you." she reached up and gently touched the side of my face. "I love you too, Sai-san."

Placing my hand over hers, I whispered, "You'll always be here with me, won't you?"

She nodded. "I'm really gald . . . that you won the tournament . . ." she strained to speak, as a sudden pain seemed to amnifest her, the signals sent by the god of death. ". . . because . . . I chose the layer . . . and I'm sure you will realize . . . what I can't express in there . . Then I don't have to . . . worry anymore . . . to worry anymore . . ."

Her hand slipped away from mine.

I walk past the hospital without a second glance. I hate that place, because I always lose something precious to me whenever I go in there.

……………………………**_Owari_**…………………………..


End file.
